I don’t have a plan for the flow of this post. I have a tendency to want to plan exactly what I will write and how I want to portray my voice through the words I write. I’m not going to do that with this post. I have a multitude of thoughts running through my head and I just want to share them to get them out of my mental space. If you read this, I appreciate you. If you don’t, I still appreciate you. But I have to release these thoughts before they eat me alive.
After seven long years filled with troubles, I’ve finally gained my bachelor’s degree this past July. It’s been a long, hard, irritating road, but I’m finally got a diploma that has had blood, sweat, and tears drowning it. It’s bittersweet, this feeling. I’m excited to move on from undergrad to redeem myself in graduate school, but I’m unhappy. I’m unhappy because I feel like I’ve done this to myself. I never expected to take seven years to gain my degree; I wanted to finish in four. But, God didn’t have that planned out for me, and for that, I’m grateful. I’ve learned a lot during this time; I hate sitting in a classroom for lectures, my procrastination still hasn’t gotten better since I began middle school, and it’s okay to ask for help when you need it. I’m stubborn as all hell and for a long time, I refused to ask for help. But when I couldn’t do it alone anymore…I had to reach out. I thank God for my mama, man. She’s the best.
Now, I’m done with my first term of graduate school and I’m trying not to feel overwhelmed. Not only am I working on to successfully pass ALL of my graduate classes, I’m doing everything in my power to boost my résumé. Y’all…it’s hard. I know something worth having is going to be hard; trust me, I get it. But when my anxiety and depression start kicking in…it can be terrible. Right now, I’m not happy with anything I’m doing in my life. I hate school because I don’t have the focus for it (though I am praying for it). I hate working towards something that will make me money but doesn’t bring me joy. And here’s the thing; I don’t truly know what I enjoy. I don’t know what I get happiness from and it bothers the hell out of me. I enjoy video games, but I don’t see myself making a career out of it. I’m the same way with hair and makeup. I love writing stories; it’s been my passion since I was in middle school, but I cannot write well enough to make a great book. I’m constantly trying to tell myself that it’s okay to not know what I want to do, but the fact of the matter is…it isn’t. I’m twenty-five years old; I can no longer just sit here not knowing what the hell I want to do with my life. I want to be married soon; I want children soon. How can I provide for them when I can’t figure out what the hell I want to do with my life?
Let’s not even get into my mental health. Y’all, I have been spiraling with depression since 2010. I have mostly good days, but when those depressive days hit, they’re hard as hell. I don’t feel like doing anything or even leaving my bed. I do what I can to function so that I don’t seem like such a lazy bum, but damn it, I want to scream and cry and stomp my feet as loud as I can to get this feeling away from me. I don’t talk about these things because I don’t want to be judged nor coddled. I just want to get better. I want to be better. My feelings are all over the place as I’m writing this. I’m happy, sad, angry, anxious, and depressed all at the same time. Am I going through a mid-life crisis here? Are these feelings that other mid to late twenty years old experience, but we suffer in silence under the guise of having our lives together?
I know that there are other things I could talk about on here that would make other happier; I have blog posts to write about skincare routines, makeup loves, and new hairdos. I have blog posts to write about my favorite movies, video games, and other entertaining things. But I don’t care about those right now; I don’t think I care about anything right now. And that alone is scary and troubling, to say the least. I don’t want to be like this; I want to care about something, anything, other than my own depressing thoughts. I want to feel like a human again with their entire lives in front of them. I guess I’m just in a slump and I can’t find my way out of it…
I feel like I’m leaving so much I want to say out…I apologize for that. My mind is going a mile a minute, and it’s draining. Hopefully soon, I’ll be back to studying for my CAPM exam at the end of the year, and making strides to starting my business and/or finding my passion soon. Until then, I’m in this bubble. Please, if you are praying people…pray for my mental health. I need all of the help I can get. Thank you all for reading. I hope this isn’t too depressing for you to read and that it doesn’t ruin your day. I would hate that. My regular content will be up soon; I have time before I start my next school term next week, so I will have time to get a few posts in before school gets crazy. I’ll talk to you guys again soon. Have a blessed day, y’all.