There are days where I look in the mirror and say, “Damn girl! You’re fine!” And then there are days, like today, where I look into the same mirror and just want to crawl back into my bed and hide from the world. To say I have body issues is a huge understatement; and I know I’m not alone.
To put myself out there on this topic feels weird. A part of me doesn’t want to do it. But in order to find some sort of peace, I have to write this entry. I doubt that I weigh over 100 pounds. I have a gut. A tiny bit of curves. I have scoliosis, which makes my posture look off. I’m tiny, at only 5’3″. And right now, I hate my body. I hate that boobs aren’t bigger, my ass isn’t fatter, my thighs aren’t chunkier, and that my waist ain’t small enough to make that “coke bottle” figure. I hate that when people see me, they think I am anorexic or that they can fatten me up. I hate that I feel so awkward in clothing, because I feel as though I don’t look good in anything I wear. I hate my hair in its current state. I hate that it’s dry and can’t bring myself to do anything to it.
Hate is such a strong word, isn’t it? I don’t like using it, but this is how I feel right now. I want you all to know the depth of how low my self-esteem is, because it’s a true feeling. I have a problem accepting how I was made. I know my fiancé is tired of me saying I’m ugly, I’m not cute, etc.. It’s hard for me to look in the mirror sometimes and accept the way I look…the way I am.
My security blankets are hair and makeup. Long hair and a beat face make me feel like me. Hell, having my hair done and my makeup popping makes me feel like me. Maybe it’s because I was made fun of a lot growing up. Maybe it’s because I’m surrounded by prettier women that makes my self-esteem lower. The problem isn’t them; it’s me. I hate feeling as though I have to make myself up to feel better. As much as I love makeup…it should never be to “hide” myself, right?
I don’t know where I’m going with this anymore, you guys. I’m getting overly emotional writing this. Maybe it’s good for me to get this out to let other girls and wen know that you’re not alone. I want to take this, “loving yourself more” thing one at a time. Here is my Day One. It’s a hard one, but damn it, it’s my Day One. I hope you all have a great morning/afternoon/night and I will speak to you all again soon.